The Never Loved Blog
Stop texting so damn much
It can be challenging to find a balance with texting, especially in the early stages of dating or when we enter a relationship. Most of us get excited about chatting with a love interest, and it feels good to see that notification pop up on our phone. But something I’ve learned through my dating experiences over the last few years is that texting is one of the least important factors in determining a healthy relationship. For example, some people thrive on texting as a communication method, but they won’t make plans with you. They’ll send a good morning and goodnight text like clockwork, but they are inconsistent or evasive when you try to broach an emotional topic.
Unfortunately, social media and dating “gurus” have fed us the lie that constant texting is a sign of interest and compatibility, and that if someone takes a long time to respond, they aren’t worth your time. And they may have a small point—for example, if someone you’re actively dating takes more than 3 days to reply to your messages, they are probably being inconsiderate and disrespectful. The one caveat would be if they’re traveling, have an insanely busy schedule, or are going through a tough time.
But if those factors don’t apply and your date is simply not putting in the effort to respond, you don’t need to chew them out or send that long paragraph. Simply exit gracefully and move onto someone who treats you considerately. However, I see a lot of people (especially women) who hold the belief that when a guy takes a couple hours or 1-2 days to respond, he is not interested and/or is being disrespectful.
Sometimes that might be the case... but the most likely reason is that people simply get busy! They have their own lives. Instead of immediately assuming the worst, try to imagine other possibilities. Maybe he prefers to focus while he’s at work, so he puts his phone away. Maybe he’s spending time with friends or family and wants to live in the moment instead of being on his phone. Or he may have had a long day and can’t put the proper amount of time and effort into drafting a thoughtful response. Also, some people just don’t like texting! They might prefer phone calls, voice messages, FaceTime, etc.
I know it sucks waiting for a text back, and it can be seriously anxiety-inducing, but try to put your focus on something else in the meantime. Go for a walk, listen to music, cook something, do the dishes, spend time with your pet, read a book, anything to keep your mind occupied. There are so many great things you can do with your time instead of waiting for someone to message you back.
Additionally, focusing so much of our energy on texting while dating is distracting us from looking for the real signs of someone who is genuinely invested in getting to know us:
- Do they make consistent plans to spend time with you? (generally once or twice a week in the early stages).
- Do they ask questions of depth? Such as what you’re looking for, your values, relationship history, etc.
- Do they show up for you when you’re sick or going through a difficult time?
- Do they communicate their needs, boundaries, and non-negotiables with you?
- Is effort reciprocated on both sides?
- Do their actions align with their words? (this one is super important).
I also want to mention that it’s perfectly normal to text more often when first getting to know someone on a dating app for instance. Though, I would highly recommend keeping the initial chatting to a couple days up to a week at the most. You don’t want to spend weeks or, god forbid, months texting someone only to find out you’re incompatible in person. Once you’ve met in person, it’s a good idea to keep texting limited to making plans or sending cute/funny things once in a while. And it doesn’t have to be daily! This leaves plenty of room for the relationship to develop naturally through in-person dates.
So, the next time you’re tempted to cut someone off simply for not texting you enough, give them a chance to show up for you in person. You might be surprised.
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