The Never Loved Blog
The complicated truth about self-love
Today I want to write about self-love and what it actually means. I know the term gets thrown around a lot, especially on social media and in our modern consumer culture; how many times have you seen some variation of “love yourself” plastered on a cute pink sweater or coffee mug, or used to sell artificially scented bath bombs and face masks?
The true essence, depth, and significance of self-love has been reduced to a catchy, instagrammable phrase. Genuine self-love, the kind that I’ll be writing about, is much more nuanced and difficult to integrate than our culture admits. Unfortunately, it cannot be bought. The journey to loving oneself is a messy, frustrating, lifelong process. But I can promise you that it is one of the most important and beautiful journeys you will ever embark on.
But what exactly is self-love? Ever since I began my healing journey about a year ago, I’ve come to recognize self-love as the act of honoring and holding compassion for oneself as a unique, complex human being with needs, desires, and flaws. That probably sounds like a lot, so I’ve broken it down into four parts:
- Letting go of shame
- Staying true to your values
- Respecting your body and mind
- Maintaining healthy boundaries / self-discipline
Letting go of shame
Letting go of shame is one of the most important steps in developing self-love. Yet, oftentimes it is so deeply embedded in our psyche that we don’t even recognize it. I spent a majority of my adolescence and early 20s repressing my true self because I had come to believe that I was unlovable. That my identity was a fluke, a mistake. I was subjected to homophobia from my church and my dad's legalistic Christian views, I was not allowed to express my budding political beliefs, I was taught that having sexual feelings and desires was sinful, even that I would go to hell for them. I was told to wear a bra at home because “men are in the house,” sending the message that my natural body is inappropriate and not safe in the presence of men (even my own family). I was criticized for having emotions and making them known, for wearing the color black and wanting to experiment with my style. I lived in constant fear of receiving a bad grade, getting spanked, or “getting in trouble.”
All together, these messages instilled a deep, heartbreaking belief that I was not good enough nor deserving of unconditional love. It became my core belief. The belief that has governed all of my subconscious thoughts, actions, and reactions. Up until my healing journey began, I was suicidal, severely anxious, addicted to self-harming, and found myself chasing after people who could not meet my emotional needs, who crossed my physical boundaries, and who made me feel undesired and ashamed of my authentic emotions and feelings. And because of my core beliefs, I blamed myself for all of it. I was convinced that I wasn't good enough, I was too needy, too much, etc. And maybe I was. I’m a much different person today than I was even a few months ago, let alone years. I recognize that in the past my shame led me to rely way too much on others, to expect them to rescue me from my own pain. But it wasn’t all my fault, and I cannot blame myself for everything I experienced, especially in cases where I was taken advantage of. I was entirely blind to the dynamics I now see as clear as day.
But why did it take so long for me to recognize this? And why is it so hard to release the shame? I think we tend to get stuck because we either don’t recognize shame for what it is or we don’t realize that the shame doesn’t belong to us. The shame belongs to the people who abused, neglected, or otherwise harmed us. However, instead of placing that shame in their hands where it belongs, we often adopt it ourselves. This happens because our brains are hardwired to keep us alive above anything else. When we are faced with trauma, especially at a young age, we don’t know how to handle it, and, as a result, we take on a feeling of responsibility. “It was my fault,” “I didn’t say no,” “I should have known better,” “dad abandoned me because I wasn’t good enough.” Many of us carry these feelings into adulthood leading to chronic shame and the degradation of our dignity.
But why do we do this?
The answer lies in biology. As mentioned, our brains are programmed for survival. Traumatic events, whether immediately life-threatening or not, are perceived by the brain and body as life-threatening. Trauma puts us in “fight or flight” mode aka it activates the sympathetic nervous system, which comes with a whole host of physical and mental markers (increased heart rate and cortisol, shallow breathing, anxiety). When faced with a traumatic situation like sexual abuse or incest for example, especially as a young child, our brains struggle to process the event. Our feeling of safety has been completely ripped away from us and we’re left terrified, confused, and ashamed. So what do we do? We point all of that shame and trauma onto our own identity and mold ourselves to fit whatever we believe will keep us safe from further harm. Many survivors repress the abuse entirely or even idolize the abuser because it is too distressing to admit what really happened.
In the case of parental emotional abuse or neglect, this concept may look like shutting off all emotion and becoming a “perfect” child who never has needs or expresses themselves. Other children learn to get what they need by engaging in high anxiety, tantrum-like behavior. We learn as children and adolescents what is required to get our needs met and keep us safe because it is an innate biological drive. Infants and children depend on the adults around them for everything, including survival. So these defense mechanisms are quite literally life-saving in many cases. Which is why it’s so damn hard to unravel them in adulthood.
Now, I’d like you to examine your internal monologue. What are the types of things you say to yourself on a daily basis? Are they critical? Demeaning? Shaming? Do you ever find yourself saying things like:
“Why did I do that?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I deserved that”
“I should have known better”
“Why didn’t I speak up?”
“Why didn’t I leave?”
“I was so stupid”
If so, I want you to keep in mind that these are remnants of your hardwiring. Whether you experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or other painful event(s), your nervous system took all of that information in and constructed itself around the information in an attempt to keep you safe. That’s why we sometimes find ourselves reacting strongly to seemingly minor events, like blowing up at our partner for not calling when they promised or self-harming in response to a breakup. These reactions are spawned by a completely unconscious process that began years prior. At one time they protected us. But eventually they become incredibly harmful and a hindrance to our healing.
It is essential for all of us to examine the harmful thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves and replace them with love and compassion. We did not deserve what happened to us, nor are we to blame for the way our nervous systems reacted. However, once we become aware of these patterns and of their negative impact, then it is our sole duty to change them. It can be scary and, yes, it is incredibly unfair that we have to shoulder a burden that we didn’t choose or deserve. But there is also something so empowering in knowing that we have the power to heal ourselves. We don’t need to wait for an apology or for someone to swoop in and save us, we are completely in charge of our own healing right now in this moment.
But we first need to let go of the shame that is holding us back. We need to develop love and honor for our innate worthiness as human beings. We need to recognize that what was done to us was not our fault and that our true identities, needs, and emotions deserve to be uplifted. This also means we need to hold ourselves accountable for the mistakes we make and the harm we cause others. Self-love and absolving ourselves of shame do not equal an excuse to act however we like regardless of the consequences. We have a duty to live our lives with integrity and respect, for ourselves and others.
Staying true to your values
This is becoming more and more challenging in our increasingly polarized culture. Loud voices from social media, religious organizations, celebrities, both sides of the political spectrum, etc., inundate us on a daily basis, telling us how to think, feel, and act. There is no longer any room for nuance or unbiased discussion about important issues: it’s all-or-nothing.
One of the most frustrating aspects of being a member of Generation Z has been watching my peers fall prey to these harmful social movements. For example, social media addiction, vaping/smoking weed/Zyns, hookup culture, pornography, hypersexualization and political extremism are huge issues facing our culture today. It feels as though we are massively overcorrecting from decades of restrictive and antiquated societal values. But what we don’t realize is that this overcorrection is harming us just as much (if not more in some ways). We are actively being pushed to disrespect our bodies and minds on a daily basis in the name of freedom and empowerment.
For anyone who chooses to go against the grain and not partake in these activities, it can feel lonely at timess. I’ve had to politely reject plans with friends (and dates) because they involved drinking or going to bars late at night. I’ll have a beer once in a while or a nice drink at a restaurant, but alcohol isn’t something I enjoy or value. Same with weed, vaping, smoking, and drugs. I’ve always avoided them out of principle, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I also made a conscious decision this year to distance myself from social media (I stopped using TikTok, Instagram, and most other social media. After making this decision, the improvement I have felt in my overall health, happiness, and mood each day has been nothing short of a miracle. I do miss being in the loop and keeping up with my friends’ lives, so at times I feel disconnected. But the payoff is more than worth it: my mind is clear, I have so much more time to spend doing things that fulfill me, my attention span has increased, and I actually feel pretty. Interestingly, I also experienced a significant change in some of my political views a few months in. I didn't realize how much social media had been influencing my beliefs on both a subliminal and explicit level.
Lastly, sex is a really important topic to discuss when we’re talking about values. Some people are casual when it comes to sex but others take it very seriously. There isn’t necessarily a right or a wrong way of viewing it, but I do think sex needs to be taken more seriously in general, especially for women and those who have struggled with trauma, CPTSD, or an insecure attachment style. Regardless of personal feelings, by nature, sex is an incredibly intimate, vulnerable (and risky) act. Additionally, many people tend to develop strong feelings for someone after becoming physically intimate. There is a scientific reason for this: bonding hormones like Oxytocin are released in excesss during sex (particularly in women’s brains). Thus, it’s no surprise that introducing physical intimacy can jumpstart a lot of stress and intense emotions while navigating a new relationship. So, it’s important to communicate thoroughly with your partner before engaging in sex, and make sure you both feel safe and comfortable. Don’t allow someone to pressure you into sex before you’re ready and don’t accept casual sex if what you’re looking for is a committed, serious relationship. I know it can be a challenge to find intentional, committed people, but trust me when I say it is worth the wait. If what you truly want and need is a serious, healthy, and authentic relationship, you will only set yourself back by accepting anything less than that. I’ve been there, believe me.
Staying true to our values isn't just a matter of personal belief; we also need to take action. Especially when we're dating and getting into relationships, we need to be prepared to express ourselves and stand firm. A lot of "wisdom" out there—and even our own anxiety—encourages us to stay quiet about touchy subjects like religion, politics, kids, long-term plans, money, and sexual needs while dating. The underlying message is, "be cool, you don't want to scare them away." But if we're dating for the purpose of finding someone who is compatible with us long-term, we need to be asking difficult questions within the first few dates. I have failed at this in all of my relationships thus far. I consistently gave into my anxiety about scaring away my partners by asking deep questions. But all this did was keep me stuck in relationships that made me miserable and didn't meet my needs. Recently, I broke this pattern with a guy by asking multiple questions on the first date to guage his values and long-term goals. And you know what? It wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. We had a lovely conversation and enjoyed our time together.
Dating is meant to help us evaluate the people who are naturally a good fit for us. If we scare someone away by being our authentic selves or by asking questions of depth, that's okay! In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's a good thing. Personally, I'm looking for someone who isn't afraid of engaging in meaningful conversations. I'm not interested in wasting my time pretending to be "the cool girl" in order to be palatable to others. I'd like to know early on if someone shares my values. Now, the way we approach these conversations is important. Everyone has their own way of communicating so try to find tactful ways of bringing up deep questions/topics. Aka it’s generally not appropriate to ask someone about their sexual past on the first date (unless you decide to sleep together). Instead, you can ask them about their relationship history, what they're looking for in a partner, their values, etc. After a few dates, if there’s an attraction and it feels like things are moving in a physical direction, it’s wise to start talking about sex. STI’s, birth control, protection, consent, sex drive, sexual values, and so on.
Respecting your body and mind
Respecting our bodies and minds can look like a lot of different things. For some of us, it may look like daily walks, yoga, and weightlifting twice a week. Others engage in competitive sports and powerlifting. Some stick to swimming or dance. As for diet, it may involve following a strict vegetarian lifestyle, or contrastingly, a highly carnivorous diet. Regarding the mind, it may look like going to therapy every week, or learning a new language, or reading copious amounts of self-help books.
We all have different needs, abilities, and environmental + personal factors that affect the ways in which we take care of ourselves. For instance, I have family members who excel in sports and weightlifting, yet I’ve always struggled in that area due to chronic pain and social anxiety. Instead I’m content to stretch, go on (almost) daily walks, and explore nature via hiking and kayaking. For many years I felt insecure about my “lacking” physical abilities, but there was nothing wrong with finding something that was both sustainable and enjoyable for me in the long term. The same goes for food: going on highly restrictive diets or engaging in disordered eating in an attempt to fast-track health is a recipe for disaster. By far the most beneficial thing we can do as individuals is make incremental, positive changes in our eating habits that are sustainable in the long term. For me, this means staying away from gluten most of the time, keeping my daily sugar intake as low as I can (but still allowing a treat here and there), and limiting foods that cause inflammation in my body: chocolate/cocoa powder, wheat, caffeine, some forms of dairy, etc. I try to include protein in every meal, especially breakfast, and I enjoy eating vegetables, grains, fruits, and more. My junk food cravings have gone down significantly, but I no longer shame myself for caving in.
This, along with physical activity, has done wonders for my body and mind. As we all know, research tells us that exercise can positively impact our mental health. But some would go even further to say that the mind and body are intrinsically connected: affecting each other in ways western science can’t yet explain. The brain-gut connection is an already established concept in modern medicine but there is so much more incredible research that needs to be done on the mind’s impact on cancer, autoimmune disorders, and various physical ailments. Unfortunately, this can be a touchy subject in many medical circles, but the evidence is undeniable: our mindset, our traumas, our emotions, and our entire lives are interwoven with the fabric of our bodies.
Fascinatingly, multiple studies have shown that organ transplant recipients experience personality shifts, changes in preferences, and can even acquire the memories of their donor! And when it comes to cancer, the mind may play a much larger role than any of us previously thought. Patients who receive emotional support tend to live longer than those who don’t. Further, the mindset of patients can influence how long they live. It’s becoming more and more evident that mindset has a powerful impact on disease. Another finding reported that many patients who are diagnosed with cancer or autoimmune conditions tend to share similar personality traits and often have repressed trauma. These traits can include people-pleasing, over-politeness, putting others' needs above their own, and high suppression of “negative” emotions such as anger. It’s important to note that women bear the brunt of autoimmune diagnoses worldwide (80%). This may be conjecture on my part, but I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that women are being diagnosed with these disorders at an increasing rate. This isn’t to discount the experiences of men who live with autoimmune disease nor to devalue the unique struggles they face in society. This is only to acknowledge that women are generally expected to put others before themselves. We are often raised to be polite at all costs, to bear the brunt of child and home care, and to shut down our non-negotiable needs and desires. Imagine what years of this does to our bodies and minds? When we attack ourselves, shame ourselves, repress our emotions and true feelings, where do those emotions go? They get stored in the tissues of our bodies.
As a personal example, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s between the ages of 12-13 and have struggled with an undefined connective tissue disorder for many years. I experienced trauma and what I now recognize as emotional abuse growing up (though I have since made amends with my family and we are now closer than ever). For over a decade, I struggled severely with shame, feeling unloved, and being expected to prioritize the emotions of those around me. I engaged in self-harm, suicidal thinking, and extreme anxiety. I also dealt with constant inflammation, joint pain/swelling, and a myriad of physical symptoms. It was only after moving out of my parents home and beginning my healing journey that I was able to get my inflammation under control and see my symptoms gradually lessen. Diet has also played a huge role in my healing, but I can’t undermine the importance of mental health. As I’ve integrated the healing of both my mind and body, I have seen a huge reduction in my acne, joint pain, fatigue, PMS symptoms, and A1C levels. My depression is scarce but incredibly manageable when it shows up, and my anxiety continues to improve.
Despite these personal observations, it’s an unfortunate truth that our culture seeks to separate the mind from the body (and bodily systems from each other), leading to the divorce of mental health care from bodily health care. Therapy and other psychological treatments still remain inaccessible to millions, and patients’ emotional lives/histories are rarely discussed with doctors, despite playing a potentially significant role in why they are in the doctor's office to begin with. We have separate insurance policies for our eyes, teeth, and the rest of the body, sending the message that these systems can be separated. Yet science shows for example that a lack of flossing can lead to heart disease and uncontrolled blood sugar can cause blindness.
So, this is all a very long winded way to say that our minds and bodies cannot and should not be treated as two separate entities. Therefore, it is imperative that we recognize the intrinsic connection between them. Treating one with respect while neglecting the other is doing ourselves (and society) a huge disservice. Healing and eventually growing to love ourselves is dependent on the respect and integration of both mind and body.
Maintaining healthy boundaries / self-discipline
Holding healthy boundaries is another necessary part of loving ourselves. We can't go through life acting like a doormat and then wonder why we have no self-esteem and why everyone around us seems to take us for granted. This isn't to say that we are solely to blame for the way people treat us, however, if there seems to be a common pattern in all of our relationships, we may need to do some soul-searching.
Before I understood the importance of boundaries, I was a massive people-pleaser. Whenever my friends or a love interest wanted something from me, I was there. I was the friend who "cared too much," who would drop everything to hang out. I even had a roommate in college call me a pushover. I suppose that should have opened my eyes, however, I wore the Pushover title proudly. I mistakenly thought that being 100% available 100% of the time was simply what friendships and relationships required. I thought that I had to earn love from people. That I wasn't good enough as I was. That people would see the darkness inside of me and abandon me the second I stood up for myself. It breaks my heart to see so many people adopting this same mindset. It is far too common for those of us with anxiety, trauma, or an abusive past to believe that we aren't allowed to have boundaries. At one point the lack of boundaries probably served to aid our survival—reducing the anger of a partner or caregiver, "keeping the peace," protecting us from the fear of abandonment, etc. We figured out that if we avoided setting boundaries, it would actually keep us safer than the alternative. However, once we begin healing, we can no longer continue living in this state.
Once we realize that we are complete human beings who don't need to earn love, we start to feel more comfortable with setting boundaries. Because the truth about boundaries is that they are there to protect our dignity and our emotional + physical safety. But we shouldn't use them as a defense mechanism to keep everyone out. You can think of them as a wooden fence with space between the pickets; information and connection can still pass through those spaces, but the pickets offer structure and protection. And just like the pickets on a wooden fence, our boundaries can evolve through the seasons. They may need to be re-stained, sanded down, replaced, or even taken out entirely. But this doesn't mean that others have a right to tear down or damage the fence. In other words, we should not allow others to disrespect or trample our boundaries. For instance, a date trying to persuade us to have sex before we are ready. Or a best friend calling us multiple times per week to rant for hours about her love life. In the case of a pushy date, I would highly recommend breaking things off. Blatant disrespect of sexual boundaries is unacceptable and often leads to worse treatment down the line. But in the best friend example, we can give the benefit of the doubt and calmly tell them that we will not be picking up every call, and that if they need to vent, they should ask beforehand. It's good to provide emotional support to our friends, but there needs to be a balance. Your time and wellbeing are important too!
An unfortunate truth about boundaries is that it can feel awful to set them. We may feel like we're being mean or selfish. However, as long as our boundaries are reasonable and rooted in a non-negotiable need, we can rest assured that we aren’t being selfish. If the person on the receiving end feels hurt or upset, that isn't your responsibility. Yes, it stings. But you are only responsible for your own emotions/actions, not anyone else's. Now, I want to dive a little deeper into what I mean by reasonable and non-negotiable when it comes to boundaries. Many people misuse boundaries in a way that is actually harmful to themselves and their relationships. So let's take a look at some examples of boundaries that are healthy vs unhealthy:
Healthy:
- Choosing to wait to have sex until you feel safe and comfortable.
- Communicating that you need a couple days of space (and giving a timeframe for when you'll be back).
- Establishing guidelines for heated/emotional discussions (no name-calling, no late night arguments, etc).
-
Only discussing sensitive topics in person instead of over text.
Unhealthy:
- Refusing to talk to or acknowledge a partner for multiple days because you are upset with them.
- Being sexually selfish or refusing to communicate about sexual needs.
- Not allowing any discussions of emotional or vulnerable topics (ex. refusing to talk about the status of the relationship or to change harmful behavior).
Boundaries also tie into the concept of self-discipline, which is another important step towards loving ourselves. Boundaries aren’t just for our relationships with our partners, friends, and family; they are also for our relationship with ourselves. Think of it this way: would it be healthy if we gave ourselves permission to eat ice cream for every meal? To browse social media for 8 hours a day? Or to shirk all of our responsibilities in favor of watching TV? Of course not. That’s why we set boundaries for our own lives, to keep us disciplined.
However, this doesn’t mean we should shame or punish ourselves for slipping up or for not being perfect! In fact, the key to remaining disciplined is to have radical compassion for ourselves, even when we mess up. The more we beat ourselves up for making mistakes, the more we crave those unhealthy coping mechanisms to soothe us. It’s a vicious cycle. But it is more than possible to heal from this cycle and start living a fulfilling, disciplined life.
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