The Never Loved Blog
What’s the big (time) rush?
Well, I’ve done it again. I rushed things with a new guy and now I’m all sorts of freaked out. We connected quickly on the first date and spent hours talking, opening up to each other, and laughing. The same thing happened on our second date, which quickly turned into making out, and before I knew it, I was having a total breakdown the morning after our fourth date at my apartment.
At first I felt a lot of regret, and I started to shame myself for not knowing better. For fucking up again. I had spent so much time working on myself over the last few months and thought I was ready to tackle the dating world once again. I was (or thought I was) firm on my boundaries. But all it took was a genuine emotional connection and the possibility of something real for me to throw caution to the wind.
I made a mistake.
…But I’ve decided not to shame myself this time. Trauma is a tricky thing and when we’re not fully aware of how it operates, it tends to run in the background. It puts us on autopilot. I believed that I was approaching things carefully this time around because I felt comfortable and safe with him, we had similar values and long-term goals, and to my credit, I had set a couple boundaries with him. However, in hindsight that did not mean I was ready to become physically intimate. Some people are capable of becoming intimate very early in the dating process, of having hookups, casual encounters, etc., but if you’re anything like me, you tend to either get attached or run for the hills if intimacy is introduced too quickly. For someone with a lot of anxiety, an insecure attachment style, or trauma, intimacy can release a flood of emotions that completely overrides the nervous system. In a safe and secure relationship, this can be a beautiful opportunity for growth, healing, and coming closer together. But when you’ve only been on a few dates... all it does is confuse the hell out of you. I experienced a whirlwind of anxious thoughts both during and after our date:
Am I actually ready for a relationship?
Am I going too fast?
Do I even like this person?
Is he right for me?
Why do I keep rushing?
It was the first time in months that I had been triggered in such an intense way, and I ended up spending the next two days completely shut down. I laid in bed, cried, watched YouTube videos, journaled, listened to music, did some tapping/vagus nerve activation, and didn’t force myself to leave my apartment. I was able to get back to a regulated place somewhat quickly, and within a couple of days, I was seeing the situation much more clearly. What I learned from this experience (ironically) is that I actually can trust myself. My mind and body were telling me that things were moving too fast, and they were right. I messed up when I elected to ignore those feelings. So it was a setback for sure, but the way I handled the situation and picked myself back up made me realize how resilient I am. I can make mistakes, get triggered, and be a total mess for two days, and still come out stronger + wiser than before. This situation taught me some very valuable lessons, and I will now be approaching dating with much more intentionality and patience regarding physical and emotional intimacy.
But I wanted to point out that not all relationships are doomed just because things were rushed in the beginning. Sometimes all you need is a heart-to-heart conversation and taking a few steps back. Although, other times it can be a sign that you aren’t truly ready and/or that the other person isn’t right for you. I wish there was a way to say with certainty which is which. But what I can say is that the answer will become more clear once you are regulated. It is very challenging to think logically or make decisions when disregulated, so it’s necessary to recognize when you are triggered so you can avoid reacting in a potentially harmful way and instead find activities that calm your nervous system. We often disconnect from our bodies during highly triggering situations so we need to find ways to reconnect. We can do this through walking, yoga, stretches, deep breathing, making art/music, tapping, practicing awareness of where emotions arise in our bodies, etc. It’s also very helpful to reach out to a therapist or close friend/family member, engage in a hobby or relaxing activity, and so on. Once you’re feeling calm and grounded, it’s never a bad idea to communicate how you're feeling with the other person. Let them know if you need to slow down, set new boundaries, or reexamine the situation. If they seem like a genuine and kind person, you may opt to give things another chance. Contrastingly, the conversation (or their response) may reveal that you need to step away entirely.
The important thing is to stay grounded and not put too much pressure on yourself to know everything right now. If someone is displaying glaring red flags such as abusive behavior, inconsistency, pushiness, or dealbreakers, that is a clear sign to get out. But the reality is that in the early stages of dating, many people are holding their cards close to their chest. They may not always show red flags right away, and it is very challenging to tell if someone could be a potential partner. I know the uncertainty sucks and all of us want to know without a doubt that we are making the correct choice. But we simply cannot. This is why it’s so important to not get too invested too soon: it takes months if not years to see someone's true character. Is that scary as hell? Absolutely. On the bright side, dating and relationships are huge opportunities for growth and healing regardless if we always make the “right” choice.
The truth has a way of revealing itself with time, so try to relax, take things one moment at a time, and trust the process.
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