The Never Loved Blog
Why we need to stop longing and start living
I was wasting time on YouTube this morning when I came across a Tedx Talk that changed the way I view love. Okay, that probably sounds dramatic, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at this point in my life. Recently, I’ve been stuck in a rut. I feel like I’m at war with my own mind—longing for love, but being afraid of it. Wanting to change my career, but avoiding any decision that will bring me closer to that goal. Wanting intimate friendships and a strong social life, but choosing to hide away in my apartment with my cat instead. It’s so easy to anticipate and long for the life that we desire, to say “I’ll make a decision tomorrow.” But what happens when tomorrow never comes? When we wake up day after day breaking promise after promise to ourselves, until eventually, our whole life has passed us by. Why do we choose to fantasize about our dreams instead of taking action to make them a reality?
After listening to this speech, I realized that I have been addicted to anticipation and fantasizing. Ever since I was a kid, I preferred to spend my days in made-up worlds either constructed by yours truly or by other imaginative minds. I lost myself in the world of Lord of the Rings, re-watching the films almost every single week to escape the pain and stress at home. I imagined being a part of the Fellowship, embarking on a mission to save the world. I imagined the Doctor from Doctor Who showing up in his TARDIS to whisk me away on some adventure. I pictured myself as a companion of Merlin and King Arthur. I even conjured up my own fantasies about being rescued, falling in love, and being happy. I was miserable from the chaos of growing up in a dysfunctional home, so this was a way for me to survive. To have something bright in a sea of total darkness. It was my Phial of Galadriel. However, these coping mechanisms that we learn in childhood—while once life-saving—cannot become our crutches in adulthood without consequences.
Take a moment to think about a habit or activity that you engage in when you’re under stress. It could be alcohol or a drug, emotional eating, porn, casual sex or back-to-back relationships, social media, music, movies, romantic fantasies, video games, etc. Once you have a habit in mind, don’t shame or judge yourself. Just take a minute to write it down, make note of when it started (if you can), and list the emotions or memories that fuel it. If this is too painful for you right now, that’s okay. Don’t push yourself further than you’re comfortable.
I’ll add an example from my journal:
After you‘ve written out your habit(s), I want you to also think about some of the goals or dreams that you have. They could be big or small. Take notice of how your body feels when you do this exercise. Do you feel any tension or resistance? Fear? Anxiety? Are they similar to the emotions underlying your habit? I’ve noticed that my biggest dreams—the things that I perceive would bring me the most joy in life—cause me the most fear. I long to find the love of my life some day and get married. I also long to forge a career path that feels meaningful to me, and have plenty of hobbies and intimate friendships to bring additional contentment to my life. But you know what? It’s so much easier to simply long for a perfect version of these things while staying in my comfortable little box. Because acknowledging them and truly accepting these goals means that I have to make choices every single day to work towards them. It means I have to accept that they won’t be perfect. That I might fail or get my heart broken. That I have to make the uncomfortable, difficult, and painful choices.
It means I have to…
Break my bad habits and live a life of discipline.
Truly believe that I am worthy of the love that I seek.
Potentially quit my comfortable office job and go back to college.
Actually get out there and connect with new people despite my social anxiety.
It means I have to grow.
A fun (or not so fun) fact about the human brain is that we are hardwired to resist change. Our brains are wired for survival and comfort, thus, change is registered as a threat to our well-being. That’s why the thought of throwing away your secret stash of candies or staying single for more than a couple of weeks might cause a panic response. It’s also why we get stuck in feelings of longing and fantasizing instead of doing. We get to enjoy the addictive emotions/chemicals (namely dopamine) that arise from anticipation and longing without having to put in the uncomfortable work of changing our current reality. There’s a reason why we enjoy planning a vacation more than the vacation itself and why the thought of eating a delicious meal after a tough day motivates us more than the actual experience of eating it. Dopamine release is triggered by anticipating a reward and not by receiving the reward. In the context of relationships, we can get stuck in a habit of anticipating our “perfect” partner because it’s more addictive than actually having a good partner. Why accept good and healthy when the perfect relationship could be right around the corner? Why settle when we can conjure up the ideal relationship in our heads?
The ironic truth is that by anticipating and longing for the ideal relationship, we will actually push away people in our real lives who could make amazing partners. They may not be as perfect as the imaginary SO you fantasize about every day, but they could be perfect for you. But you won’t be able to receive that person unless you’re willing to see them. In other words, if you’re stuck inside your own head and prioritizing longing over living your life, it will be very hard to recognize when the right person walks in.
But we can make a choice to believe that the art of creating a beautiful, loving relationship with someone is vastly more fulfilling than the anticipation of it. The same belief can be applied to our career, friendships, families, and life itself.
It’s up to us to decide if we want to spend our lives longing or truly living.
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